An on-going physical relationship is pivotal to the healthy, loving functioning of any committed long-term coupling. Sexual contact is the part of the couple relationship that makes it differ from a friendship - it is integral to making this relationship more connected and profound than any other.
Many couples seeking therapy need help with sexual issues. These are often around the theme of: man wants more sex and woman wants more warmth, affection and consideration so that she feels like having more sex.
With honest and open communication in the relationship it could be possible to sometimes have loving, connected sex and sometimes have raw, primal sex. Just as we have different moods and our appetites vary according to our moods - one day muesli, another day full-english breakfast - so too can our sexual moods vary in need.
There are two people involved in the sex act and therefore two varying moods to consider. Indeed one partner may feel turned-on while the other has no desire at all. What seems to often happen in this scenario is that the partner who is not in the mood for sex will refuse their libidinous partner in a careless manner which can make him\her feel rejected and unloved. This type of rejection can be scarring and injurious to the connection in the couple and sets up on-going problems not only in the bedroom arena but also polluting other areas of the relationship. This is where couples could find counselling a good way of unlocking these old patterns of behaviour to find a more fulfilling way of being together.
If one partner has a sexual need, and the other partner is not up for it at that time, would it be so bad for him\her to lovingly assist with satiating that need. This could mean brief intercourse; manual or toy stimulation; or encouraging masturbation in order to fulfil the sexual craving. When communication is open and unembarrassed, these things are possible.
From my observations, and if sales figures of female sex toys are to be believed, I would say there is not much difference between the sexual drives of men and women. The difference lies more in the craving for affection, consideration and connection versus the contentment in intercourse and orgasm as an activity.
How does this gap get bridged in a long-term loving relationship?
One key may be for the man to learn to take pleasure from giving pleasure - quite separately from his own direct physical stimulation and pleasure. By giving his woman pleasure she feels his consideration and love for her and then experiences a warmth and connection to him and in their love-making. In short, she is more likely to want to have sex with her partner - creating a win win for all concerned.