A lot of my work is with couples whose brains work differently. I call this mixed brain-workings. I do this to avoid apportioning blame. However it is also important to name the difference in how the two partners think. I often find myself explaining to the Neurotypical partner (NT) that the Asperger (AS) brain has limitations (impairments). NT individuals can also be limited in other ways such as Maths, IT or their level of concentration or application. The AS individual also has very many strengths and skills absent in an NT brain. We are all different we all have our particular skill set and each of us is better at some things than others.
Very often, if the AS component to the relationship has been discovered, the NT partner will read widely around the topic so that they feel they now understand their partner completely. Their knowledge has most certainly broadened from their research and they now have a clearer understanding of why the problems arise in their relationship, however what's often missing is the acceptance that their partner's brain is not capable of instinctively doing what an NT partner would do naturally in a relationship. The deep desire to be heard and understood creates an intense dissatisfaction in the NT half of the couple and a constant sense of frustration and disappointment in their partner and they wonder why things still regularly 'go wrong'. As a therapist who understands how each partner thinks and experiences their relationship, my role is to facilitate similar understanding between the AS/NT partners, to act as an intermediary until they can do this for themselves.
There are so many ways that the NT partner can unintentionally overwhelm their AS partner. These ways can be as innocuous as asking too many questions, rambling around a topic, setting too many tasks/chores all at once, changing their mind or showing emotion with tears or with a higher pitch to their voice. Each partner struggles with the other's behaviour or lack of. Each partner feels they must 'tread on eggshells' and each partner often feels unloved in their relationship.
There are three main limitations to the way the AS brain works. All three severely impact the couple relationship. There are many individuals, both diagnosed and undiagnosed who are low on the ASD spectrum so that in most area of their lives - work, friendships and family are successful enough. It is in the significant couple relationship where these limitations become apparent. These three limitations are Interaction, Communication and Imagination.
Interaction
There is an impaired ability to appropriately interact with others which can look like shyness, awkwardness or inappropriateness of actions/words. I once overheard someone on the spectrum joking with another man about his wife being a Thai prostitute - the trouble was this wasn't a joke, it was what he thought and thus accused his friend of being married to a prostitute while laughing so he thought he was being funny. The interaction was clearly misplaced and insulting and yet he was unaware. Texts and emails from clients who are on the spectrum are often clumsy and brusque or can be overly formal where formality is out of place. A flurry of texts can be excessive and verbose or too brief to the point of sounding rude.
Physical interaction can also be impaired - reluctance to hug, kiss or touch as a greeting for example. Not knowing how to best do that or indeed using excessive force with bone-crushing handshakes or hugs. This can effect the sexual interaction too where intimacy and intercourse can be robotic or perfunctory or repetitive in sequence.
Communication
A commonly seen theme with those on the spectrum is an inability to chat in the back and forth conversational style used by the majority of NT individuals. The style of delivery is often to speak enthusiastically about a topic of interest delivered almost like a lesson or lecture.
They often do not want to share ideas as they may have a fixed perspective and if someone offers up an interjection this will be considered an interruption and rude. They interrupt a lot but don't like to be interrupted. They don't like being interrupted for fear of losing their thread. Conversations in couples become stilted and frustrating as they do not have the back and forth easy quality of a satisfying conversation.
There is mostly a dislike and inability to enter into chit chat - the AS brain seeing absolutely no purpose to it. They also find it very difficult to ascertain when their audience has become bored and is no longer interested by their monologue on their special topic of interest.
Another part of the impairment in communication for the AS individual is the nuance of other people's expression - another reason why they will neither notice boredom nor hurt feelings - it is all too subtle and may even misread upset for anger. Vocal quality is often misunderstood as 'aggression' rather than impassioned by feelings.
Imagination
I have often heard my AS Clients say the phrase 'I can't imagine life without her'. To the untrained ear this sounds like an expression of love for his partner. But what is actually meant is quite literal - they actually cannot imagine life being different to how it is right now.
The idea of moving house or job is often too much for them as they cannot imagine living in a different home or going to a different job or to have a different commute. I have had clients ask me for a picture of my consulting room so that they know what it will look like. One client was hugely thrown by me moving office even though it was a 10 minute walk from the first one.
However, imagination used at work is often exceptionally skilled as there is a tremendous ability to think outside the box in creative/business scenarios. This can seem like a confusing contradiction as within relationships and family there is an impaired ability to imagine what might be required of them or how to do things differently or how someone else might feel - a lack of empathy and initiative, an obliviousness. Same is good. routines are comfortable and the imagination to think beyond what currently is will often be absent. This includes staying in the same job even when not being treated well or until the company has gone under.
Summation
This triad of limitations significantly effects the person on the spectrum as they often feel not good enough and they feel like they are always getting things wrong. But this also heavily impacts their partner whose needs are not being anticipated or met.
There is an inability to imagine what it is like for anyone else - what it is like to be on the receiving end of this limited behaviour and how ignored, unimportant and lonely their partner often feels.
The couple relationship can only improve when both partners learn more about their different brain-workings. They then have the chance to accept their differences and be together with tolerance, respect and kindness. This allows for less discordance and for a more harmonious existence together.