Sex Talk

Many couples who form an intimate sexual relationship together and choose to be together can, sooner or later, become too embarrassed to talk about their sex-life. How does this happen?

An ongoing, satisfying sexual relationship needs good communication from the outset.  Unfortunately not many couples start off in this way, so later, when it is all going 'wrong', they find it impossible to talk it through.

When a couple gets together there is often a strong sexual desire driven by each separate self-fuelled libido and driven by the excitement of a fresh encounter. In time, the self-fuelled libido will quieten, leaving the natural chemistry of the couple and the strength of the attraction to fuel further sex.  If the attraction is not strong enough sex will become less frequent.

 Sometimes the sexual attraction was not strong between the couple in the first place but as they were content with the rest of the relationship, they ploughed on whilst never being satisfied with their sex-life. The couple may be secretive about their own masturbating, are avoiding sex with each other and are unable to talk about the lack of sex or what's going on.  Fast forward a few years and perhaps two children later and there is no physical bond between the couple.  They may or may not be in love with each other; they may or may not love each other.  But they are not attracted enough to each other to allow sex to happen and communication has never been honest enough to talk about it now.

The couples I see for counselling bring a variety of relationship issues and many of them revolve around sex or the lack of it.  What I often notice is the embarrassment around talking sex with each other and with me in the counselling room.  In order to protect each others feelings and to avoid conflict, the truth about their disappointment around their sex-life remains unspoken  - it has become too 'difficult' and too 'embarrassing' to talk sex.

In the arena of the sexual relationship, one negative comment or expression of dissatisfaction during sex can create feelings of rejection or not being good enough for the other. If one partner is made to feel dirty or bad for suggesting a particular sexual act he/she will be unlikely to find the courage to suggest it again. If one partner does not feel 'turned on' enough for sex or rejects the other without explanation, sexual communication soon breaks down to a silent embarrassment with plenty of resentment on both sides.

This is not a healthy couple situation and needs working through to avoid a break-down in the relationship.  By not addressing the issues around sex, unsurprisingly one or both partners may seek their sexual satisfaction elsewhere - whether from another or from Internet porn.

Good open communication is so valuable to all relationships on all levels.  When sex becomes an embarrassing subject for you and your partner it's time to get help to break through the barriers that are preventing you from potentially having the sex you want with the one you're with.

'Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex' - Hunter S Thompson