When couples come to see me because arguing is wrecking their relationship, they are often distressed and confused as they don't know how to stop. I listen to their account of how the arguing happens and sometimes they will show me how this evolves. These arguments, often about petty household issues, are what I call the battlegrounds. But what is the war actually about? Is it possible that the arguing is a displaced passion? Is a lack of sexual intimacy creating passionate connection in argument?
When sexual intimacy is absent, either or both partners can become angry and resentful. This anger comes from a place of feeling rejected or unwanted. Humans want to be wanted. This desire to be wanted can also be satiated by words of appreciation and recognition from your partner but sexual intimacy has a big part to play.
Anger, resentment and a desire to connect on a passionate level drive the couple to explosive intense argument, the ferocity of which only equals the passionate, all encompassing sex that is missing.
The intensity of the arguing seems to serve a paradoxical purpose to bring the couple together in heated communication, whilst also blowing them apart with an explosive blast of negative passion.
Losing your head in an argument is not dissimilar to losing your head during sex. There is a similarity between the 'letting go' that happens when the dam bursts and the anger and resentment pours out to the 'letting go' that results in a state of being fully turned on sexually. The 'intercourse' during argument closely mimics the 'intercourse' during sex - both are expressions of passion.
For some couples the two activities join up. The connection created during intense arguing leads directly to intense sexual connection. This is known as make up sex. Although this is not uncommon, I would suggest it is not healthy for a couple to regularly embark on sexual connection in this way.
Once there is a greater understanding of each others needs for an intimate connection and a greater understanding of the passion dynamic, it will be possible to rebuild your sex life.
When the sexual connection is re-established - and this is possible - the arguing has no place. There is no longer any point to it. In tandem, this leads to the dissipation of anger and resentment and further allows the sexual connection to flourish.
You knnow that when I hate you, it is because I love you to the point of passion that unhinges my soul - Julie de Lespinasse