Sideways Anger

So you're angry about your colleague at work who got promotion before you and you're angry about your car breaking down and leaving you stranded; you're angry about your partner going out and having fun - you're also angry about being cut-up by that idiot driver this morning and you're shouting at the kids about minor things because they are annoying you and making you feel. . . angry.

Is your anger really about any of those things or is your anger misdirected and seeping out sideways.  In other words - what are you actually angry about?.

When people are 'cross' at home about their partner who hasn't cleared up after themselves; has just walked muddy footprints onto the freshly mopped floor; has their music up too loud; has squeezed the toothpaste tube from the top and left the lid off ...

What is this anger really about?

Usually there is something more serious bubbling inside - unresolved issues about your childhood; abandonment issues; hatred of your father; feeling unloved by your partner; having been made redundant - the possibilities are endless.

If you find yourself getting uncharacteristically or excessively angry with your children, your partner or your work colleagues, you are not happy

Your unresolved issues are polluting your life and ruining your relationships with those who love you.  As Freud said 'Unexpressed emotions will never die.  They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways' - Sigmund Freud.

These unresolved issues could do with being looked at, being spoken about, being explored and  processed to the point where you understand the root of your anger.  Only then will you stop being angry and refind your warmth and love for those around you.

Rather than just managing your anger with 'Anger management' tools, find out what is really making you angry. This is one of many things I am here to help you with.

At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled - Marshall B Rosenberg

How do we stop arguing?

Two people in a couple relationship will inevitably experience occasional conflict by way of disagreement or arguing.

Disagreeing with each other over household matters or chores; not reading off the same parenting page; upsetting each other with careless words or behaviours; jealousy or lack of trust.  There are so many ways of sparking conflict.  The relationship can become a battle of wills. Resentment can gradually build until the couple conflict becomes unacceptably intense for both partners and for everyone else around. 

Some degree of conflict is normal and should be seen that way. It is how you deal with that conflict together that affects the level of harmony in your relationship.

Due to our personal life experiences, we can find conflict very difficult to manage.  For some, conflict feels unbearable and for others arguing is surprisingly enjoyable - this usually indicates a familiarity with arguing.  

Raised voices, an aggressive manner and hearty disagreement can bring on an adrenaline response similar to that of being chased by a grizzly bear.  Fight, flight or freeze results.  Instead of finding a good time to calmly sit and rationally talk through the conflict, one or both of the couple will Fight - engage with the argument with volume and aggression;  Flight - walk out or run away from the perceived 'source of danger';  Freeze - become too terrified to speak or move.

How do we stop this arguing?  I see many couples who want to stop arguing but don't know how to.  They fear the end of their relationship as it has become an ugly, constant battleground. There are some simple tools which, when implemented consistently, can remove the ongoing conflicts from your relationship, leaving you plenty of time to enjoy each other and the relationship you have together. 

For help with this and other difficulties in your relationship I am here to guide you.

Raise your words, not voice, it is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.   Rumi, 13th Century Mystic poet