A male client once told me how he thinks it is a cruel trick of nature that once a woman has had her babies she is no longer sexually interested in her man, now the father of her children. His opinion was formed by his own experience of having a close intimate relationship with his long-term partner until their twin boys arrived.
It does seem to be a frequently experienced phenomenon for the couple who were in a loving, equal relationship to find much has changed beyond the baby's arrival. Indeed, for some, this is experienced as soon as the pregnancy is confirmed. Sometimes the man feels strange about making love to his now pregnant partner, and sometimes it is the pregnant mother-to-be who is not interested in sex or feels protective of her unborn child.
There is no doubt that the arrival of the first baby completely changes the couple unit - they are now a family, and whilst being completely besotted with their new baby, their relationship has changed forever and their individual identities have also changed forever. They have become parents jointly and mother and father separately. They have very little or no time for each other as a couple because all the attention is now on the baby.
Whilst some couples manage this transition really well - are full of understanding and love for each other in their new joint situation and in their exhaustion - many couples struggle to get back what they feel they have lost and struggle to find themselves in their new roles. This is often more apparent with new dads who feel pushed out, supplanted by the baby who is now the centre of his woman's world; and who feel the weight of responsibility of having a new dependent.
It is however possible to reclaim your intimate relationship with your partner if the will to succeed is there for both of you. If the dialogue around sex and physical tenderness has become embarrassed it will be hard to move forward without some helpful intervention. It is important not to allow the rift in your physical relationship to continue for more than a few months - habits quickly form and are harder to break the longer they exist.
Starting a family need not be the end of the intimate relationship you had. With determination and mutual understanding you can be both a family and a loving, connected couple.
Starting a family need not be the end of the intimate relationship you had. With determination and mutual understanding you can be both a family and a loving, connected couple.