Couples who seek my support are often in crisis. Either one or both partners have reached the 'end of their tether' on some level. They are so caught up in the negative cycles of their day to day battle they can no longer see the wood for the trees. They often view what is happening in much bigger and bleaker terms than may be the reality. Conversely, there may be nothing left to salvage.
The desire to save your marriage can be overwhelming; the desire to end your marriage can be equally overwhelming. This is never an easy decision and takes time to understand the full situation in order to make a balanced assessment based on sound thought processes rather than hurt, angry, knee-jerk reactions.
Setting aside time for some couple counselling sessions will help to clarify the state of the relationship. At its best, the couple can find new more harmonious ways of being together - to regrow their love and appreciation for each other - this is sometimes a surprising outcome when a couple is 'at war' and apparently cannot find a way forward. Even where one partner has been unfaithful, mending and strengthening of the relationship can still be achieved with hard work, understanding and determination.
Sometimes, however, reconciliation cannot be achieved. After trying everything to save your relationship, if you still decide to separate, counselling mediation can be used to help remain balanced about what needs to be done in order to achieve separation . Goal-focused sessions where the practicalities of who is going to move out, the financial implications of running two homes and most importantly working together to ensure the continued love and care of your children can all be discussed in safety.
Spending some structured time together to sort out your emotions and the reasons for this ending can also be a really useful way to fully understand with clarity the need for separation. Allowing time to be reasonable, realistic and rational about your situation, without resorting to argument can make the difference between an acrimonious or amicable ending.
Children should not be used as marital glue - it is better for children to have two happier parents who are separated than living within the disharmony of an unhappy parental relationship