Sunny side up

One of the easiest things in life is to focus on negatives. There are those of us who naturally have a 'cup half full' attitude to life and others who just as naturally have a 'cup half empty' view-point.  We all differ in this regard and may be optimists in certain areas of our lives and pessimists in others. For example, someone who has always done well at work may perpetually have a positive attitude to their work and how it will be in the future; the same person may feel pessimistic about their couple relationship due to previous negative experiences with ex-partners.

We are all influenced by our past experiences and sometimes have to work hard in order to put these negative experiences behind us to prevent anticipating a repeat.  Negative expectation brings about the negative.  For example a person who believes that they are not good enough to be in relationship with their partner could quite easily, over a period of time, make this a self-fulfilling prophecy so that their partner no longer wants to be with them.

Henry Ford of the Ford motorcar summed up this phenomenon in just a few words - 'whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right'.

A negative out-look can make the worst occur.  Whilst looking on the bright side and hoping for the best can bring about positive outcomes.

Understandably, couples I see often come to counselling concentrating on the negatives in their partners.  They arrive entrenched in the difficulties of their relationship.  They have arrived at an impasse.  Part of my role is to facilitate the understanding of the present situation; help to examine the historic journey to this point; explore the realistic options available and help to ascertain if there is enough mutual appreciation to begin to find an 'adjusted' way forwards.

Reviewing what you like about each other can be a simple way of resetting the dials on the way you think about your partner - by shining a light on the positives things can start to look a lot brighter.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you - Maori proverb

Couples of all shapes and sizes and many guises.

It is human-nature to seek closeness with other human beings - for each individual to want a 'special someone' just for them.  Some people do this to the exclusion of all others, their codependency becoming a tight-knit unit of two with no room for self or for others.  The lack of air between this couple often suffocates individualism - and yet seems to provide a mutually beneficial comfort for both partners.  Some couples are happy with this arrangement.

Other couples seem to have no commonality in their lives.  The coming together is infrequent and at best polite.  They are ships passing.  Again, this might suit both partners and might be exactly how they want their relationship to be.

Other individuals choose a partner with whom they have things in common so that they can have shared interests and activities and can pursue these together whilst also doing things apart.  In this type of coupling there will be room for individuality, room for separateness and room for personal growth.  And yet even in this balanced, equitable coupling there may be a fear of abandonment and a fear of engulfment working in opposition to each other.  The fear of abandonment in the relationship maintains the longing for closeness; the fear of engulfment prevents the loss of self.  The separateness and autonomy are there to preserve the individual in the relationship and paradoxically to allow closeness to exist.  If the togetherness is too close, there is no distance to travel to find each other.

Esther Perel in her excellent book, Mating in Captivity states 'with too much distance, there can be no connection.  But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals.  Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side.  When people become fused - when two become one - connection can no longer happen.  There is no one to connect with.  Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.'

The fit of a couple is as unique as the individuals themselves.  There is no right or wrong in how a couple fits together so long as it works for both of them.  When one or other partner is no longer happy or when disharmony is prevalent, perhaps it is time to seek help from a couple counsellor who can facilitate the communication needed between you to move forward more harmoniously.

When the Fledglings Fly

As parents we spend about 18 years nurturing, supporting and encouraging our children to become incrementally more independent so that when they finish their A levels, they attempt to leave the family unit.

Whilst this is a significant, exciting and often fairly terrifying move for the 18 year old, it is also significant and fairly terrifying for the parent/s and siblings left behind.  Apart from short periods of separation for school camps, or holidays with friends/relatives the young adult is now moving off for the first time to his/her independent life.

After the mounting stress of supporting your child through years of exams, university visits, university choices, personal statement, university offers, more exams and finally results, you are now preparing yourselves for a major shift in your relationships - with each other and with those left in the family home.

Logically as a parent you think your child moving off to the next part of their life is a good result - the culmination of years of effort; the natural progression and what you had always hoped for them.  Beyond the logical part of this 'loss', there is a parent in mourning.  A part that is unfortunately referred to by the wholly inadequate catch-phrase 'empty nest'.  To my mind, this does not remotely cover the powerful range of emotions now being experienced by the parent/s.

It is well-documented that mothers feel this rise of emotions more keenly then fathers; however Tom Utley wrote in The Daily Mail 26th September 2011 a brave and refreshing account of his experience as his fourth child left home for University entitled  'After 26 years, our four boys have all left home. Is it too unmanly to admit I'm suffering Empty Nest Syndrome?'

The emotions experienced as the young adult leaves home defies explanation.  Seemingly from out of nowhere comes a welling up of tears and feelings of emptiness, loss, anxiety and even abandonment.  The rational mind is able to reason and understand what is happening, yet these emotions rise from a deep place inside us which seem illogical and uncontrollable.

These emotions are similar to those elicited when experiencing a bereavement - and as with bereavement, no-one can predict how long you will grieve.  These feelings will last for how ever long it takes for the new dynamics at home to feel 'normal'. 

Children leaving home is a huge life change.  Using a Counsellor to explore and make sense of these profound symptoms of change can help alleviate some of the loneliness whilst validating your very real experience.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home - Bill Cosby

After the Babe Arrives

A male client once told me how he thinks it is a cruel trick of nature that once a woman has had her babies she is no longer sexually interested in her man, now the father of her children.  His opinion was formed by his own experience of having a close intimate relationship with his long-term partner until their twin boys arrived.

It does seem to be a frequently experienced phenomenon for the couple who were in a loving, equal relationship to find much has changed beyond the baby's arrival.  Indeed, for some, this is experienced as soon as the pregnancy is confirmed.  Sometimes the man feels strange about making love to his now pregnant partner, and sometimes it is the pregnant mother-to-be who is not interested in sex or feels protective of her unborn child.

There is no doubt that the arrival of the first baby completely changes the couple unit - they are now a family, and whilst being completely besotted with their new baby, their relationship has changed forever and their individual identities have also changed forever.  They have become parents jointly and mother and father separately.  They have very little or no time for each other as a couple because all the attention is now on the baby.

Whilst some couples manage this transition really well - are full of understanding and love for each other in their new joint situation and in their exhaustion - many couples struggle to get back what they feel they have lost and struggle to find themselves in their new roles.  This is often more apparent with new dads who feel pushed out, supplanted by the baby who is now the centre of his woman's world; and who feel the weight of responsibility of having a new dependent.

It is however possible to reclaim your intimate relationship with your partner if the will to succeed is there for both of you.  If the dialogue around sex and physical tenderness has become embarrassed it will be hard to move forward without some helpful intervention.  It is important not to allow the rift in your physical relationship to continue for more than a few months - habits quickly form and are harder to break the longer they exist.

Starting a family need not be the end of the intimate relationship you had.  With determination and mutual understanding you can be both a family and a loving, connected couple.

Sex matters

An on-going physical relationship is pivotal to the healthy, loving functioning of any committed long-term coupling. Sexual contact is the part of the couple relationship that makes it differ from a friendship - it is integral to making this relationship more connected and profound than any other.

Many couples seeking therapy need help with sexual issues.  These are often around the theme of:   man wants more sex and woman wants more warmth, affection and consideration so that she feels like having more sex.

With honest and open communication in the relationship it could be possible to sometimes have loving, connected sex and sometimes have raw, primal sex.  Just as we have different moods and our appetites vary according to our moods - one day muesli, another day full-english breakfast - so too can our sexual moods vary in need.

There are two people involved in the sex act and therefore two varying moods to consider.  Indeed one partner may feel turned-on while the other has no desire at all.  What seems to often happen in this scenario is that the partner who is not in the mood for sex will refuse their libidinous partner in a careless manner which can make him\her feel rejected and unloved.  This type of rejection can be scarring and injurious to the connection in the couple and sets up on-going problems not only in the bedroom arena but also polluting other areas of the relationship. This is where couples could find counselling a good way of unlocking these old patterns of behaviour to find a more fulfilling way of being together.

If one partner has a sexual need, and the other partner is not up for it at that time, would it be so bad for him\her to lovingly assist with satiating that need.  This could mean brief intercourse; manual or toy stimulation; or encouraging masturbation in order to fulfil the sexual craving. When communication is open and unembarrassed, these things are possible.

From my observations, and if sales figures of female sex toys are to be believed, I would say there is not much difference between the sexual drives of men and women. The difference lies more in the craving for affection, consideration and connection versus the contentment in intercourse and orgasm as an activity.

How does this gap get bridged in a long-term loving relationship?

One key may be for the man to learn to take pleasure from giving pleasure - quite separately from his own direct physical stimulation and pleasure.  By giving his woman pleasure she feels his consideration and love for her and then experiences a warmth and connection to him and in their love-making.  In short, she is more likely to want to have sex with her partner - creating a win win for all concerned.

Sex is important so make it matter.

Life is for Living

Many times we hear stories of people who spend their lives working towards retirement only be be struck down by ill-health or death either just before or just after they retire.

A new book out by Bronnie Ware called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, sets out the five biggest deathbed regrets she heard about from palliative care patients. In brief these are regrets about: not being true to oneself; working too hard; not expressing feelings; not staying in touch with friends; and not allowing oneself to be happier.

How can we get the balance right - to work enough to meet outgoings; to love enough to have close relationships; to have fun enough to feel life is fun; to exercise enough to feel fit and well; to do nothing enough to feel some space in our lives?

How can we get the balance of what we need to do - the fundamentals of earning a living, looking after our children, shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, caring for elderly relatives - and what we want to do. Where is the space in our lives to do the things that would gladden our hearts or give us a sense of joy?

It is possible to fulfil dreams as we go through our lives rather than waiting until we retire; until the children leave home; until an elderly relative has died. These are the excuses I hear over and over from clients who are not getting on and doing the things they want to do.

It is realistic perhaps to leave the big dreams for later because of our responsibilities. Yet sometimes we use these responsibilities as an excuse for not getting on and doing the things that would make life so worth living.

Instead of waiting for retirement, life can be fully lived. Each day can count as a special day by finding small things that make the day feel worthwhile or meaningful. Living your dreams now on a smaller scale can give you fulfillment in the present rather than saving it all up for retirement.  The bit we know for certain in life is that one day we will die.  The bit we do not know is when we will die. 

A Tibetan proverb sums this up wisely and succinctly.

Don't be the pigeon who 'spends all night fussing about making his bed, and dawn comes up before he has even had time to go to sleep'.

How about living your dreams while you have the health and energy to enjoy them?

Life is for living - and life is now.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

Most of us would admit to showing respect to the dustman who removes our rubbish and the postman who delivers our letters. This is common decency - a level of respect shown to strangers. 

I wonder how many of us show that basic level of respect at home to our loved ones?  It repeatedly saddens me to hear stories of how couples who love one another and who have chosen to be together frequently show each other less respect than they do to strangers.

It is worth considering how you deliver everyday communications at home to your partner and family.  Notice if you show a lack of respect in the tone of your voice; the words you choose to use; the way you say those words - is it possible that you are barking orders loudly with insulting language showing no consideration or respect for the recipient's feelings?

It would seem that the everyday mundanity of relationships can quickly deteriorate into disrespectful communication.  This often leads to one or both partners feeling small, hurt and indeed angry. At its extreme this can amount to verbal abuse which can grind the other partner down until they feel very low about themselves. 

This cycle of rudeness can be broken .  Firstly with the realisation of disrespectful communication; then by the application of effort to consciously stop this automatic behaviour; followed by the use of respectful considered communication - what your loved ones deserve.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children    Mark Twain 1835-1910 American Author