How do we stop arguing?

Two people in a couple relationship will inevitably experience occasional conflict by way of disagreement or arguing.

Disagreeing with each other over household matters or chores; not reading off the same parenting page; upsetting each other with careless words or behaviours; jealousy or lack of trust.  There are so many ways of sparking conflict.  The relationship can become a battle of wills. Resentment can gradually build until the couple conflict becomes unacceptably intense for both partners and for everyone else around. 

Some degree of conflict is normal and should be seen that way. It is how you deal with that conflict together that affects the level of harmony in your relationship.

Due to our personal life experiences, we can find conflict very difficult to manage.  For some, conflict feels unbearable and for others arguing is surprisingly enjoyable - this usually indicates a familiarity with arguing.  

Raised voices, an aggressive manner and hearty disagreement can bring on an adrenaline response similar to that of being chased by a grizzly bear.  Fight, flight or freeze results.  Instead of finding a good time to calmly sit and rationally talk through the conflict, one or both of the couple will Fight - engage with the argument with volume and aggression;  Flight - walk out or run away from the perceived 'source of danger';  Freeze - become too terrified to speak or move.

How do we stop this arguing?  I see many couples who want to stop arguing but don't know how to.  They fear the end of their relationship as it has become an ugly, constant battleground. There are some simple tools which, when implemented consistently, can remove the ongoing conflicts from your relationship, leaving you plenty of time to enjoy each other and the relationship you have together. 

For help with this and other difficulties in your relationship I am here to guide you.

Raise your words, not voice, it is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.   Rumi, 13th Century Mystic poet