Got that Christmas feeling?

Christmas fills some with joy and others with dread.  It is often a time of ought to, need to, should do and duty.  Decisions, arrangements and shopping which for some light up the darkness of winter and for others make them want to hunker down and hibernate.

The social pressure for Christmas (and indeed New Year's Eve) to be a time of fun can turn to stress if you feel you are not having fun.  The expectation of having a wonderful time is in itself filled with feelings of failure if you're not having a wonderful time.

For many, the pressure of Christmas starts earlier in the year when trying to decide who to spend it with - navigating the feelings of various sets of parents, in-laws or siblings who perhaps all want a bit of you at Christmas or who you feel duty bound to spend some time with.  This often causes tension between couples when deciding whose parents they will visit/invite this year.  

The truth is christmas can be an unhappy time for many - a time of difficult childhood memories; of the absence of loved ones; recollections of loss and illness; a reminder of ones own loneliness at a time when everyone else is with someone.

At this time, family members unnaturally forced together, mixed with alcohol and rich food, can fuel some fiery family feuds and cause couples to come apart at the seams.  It can be a tough time for many.

Christmas is the inevitable punctuation of the year's calendar.  Love it or loathe it, it's here to stay.  Be kind to yourself and others by lowering your expectations of Christmas day and accepting that 'it is what it is'.  It is, after all, just another day. 

Let me know if I can be of any help to you either before or after, but in the meantime I wish my readers a 'Good Enough' Xmas and abundant health and happiness in the coming year.

'Difficult' people - how to survive them

Sitting listening to my clients, I often get a familiar feeling when a troublesome person they are talking about looms large in the room, filling it even in their absence.

The frequency of this experience surprises me, and leads me to understand that the 'difficult' person who has been brought to the counselling room via the client's story may be a 'narcissist'.

Could the 'difficult' person in your life be a narcissist? Your mother, father, friend, sibling; your partner,child, husband or wife?

Are you drawn in by their charm and repelled by their cruelty?  Do they make you feel both adored and despised?  Have you learnt to bite your tongue for an easy life even though it's not the life you want for yourself? Are you afraid to voice your needs?

The charm, control and mercurial qualities of the narcissist are well drawn by E.L James in the character of Christian Grey in the popular 50 Shades trilogy.  To my mind the strength of the story is not in the salacious sexual scenes, graphically described and often discussed in the press and amongst enthusiastic readers; the strength of the story is in the healing of the deeply hurt child in Christian.  Anastasia Steele is his incentive for change.  The consistency of her love for him and her feisty challenging of his more controlling behaviours enables him to see the need for change in order to be with the woman he loves.

Narcissists can exhibit a set of behaviours which are both enticing and repelling; at its worst this behaviour can be threatening or dangerous; at its best it can be confusing and perplexing as the narcissist baits and switches, charms and disarms and generally leaves people confused and abused. Narcissists do not aim to behave this way and are not fundamentally bad people - they have not had the benefit of unconditional love, consistent parenting or safety as children.

If you have a 'difficult' person in your life who keeps you where they want you with their minipulative and controlling  behaviours, it may be time to review the part you play in allowing them to behave as they do.  It takes two to create a relationship.  You can choose to put up with it, end it or change it.  We have more power to initiate change than we imagine.

Wendy T Behary in her book 'Disarming the Narcissist'  - 'It is possible to maintain your own composure and self-esteem when dealing with narcissistic people.  It can also help you discover empathy, and, in some cases, even compassion for the narcissist in your life, bringing to you more peace of mind and helping to improve your relationship.'

No longer 'in love'

What happens when you are in a relationship where you love your partner but you are not 'in love' with them?  There may have always been a mismatch in the level of feeling you had for one another or it may have happened after many years together.

A couple I recently counselled come to mind.  They had both experienced divorce before they met through work.  The attraction for him was instant, physical and protective and for her it was more gradual and became solid.  He helped to parent her children for many years and they lived with a high level of harmony.  He had been her rescuer, her rock and her lover, but now he became her brother, her father and her jailer and she could no longer consider him as her lover. She loved him but was not 'in love' with him.  He loved her and was 'in love' with her. They were getting on really well on a daily basis, but she had reached breaking point.

Loving can be enough for some couples - a good enough reason to stay in the relationship where peace, harmony and mutual understanding exist, what reason would there be for doubt or dissatisfaction?

If only it were that simple.  What happens to the yearning for physical connection, for excitement, for lust and for sexual satisfaction within such a relationship; what do partners in a long-term amicable partnership do with that part of themselves?  How do they fulfil that need in themselves when it's not there for them at home?

Remaining content with the relationship you've got has a lot to do with attitude.  Whether you can mentally count your blessings and find peace and contentment in the relationship you are in; and whether you can physically control your yearnings so that they do not become destructive actions.

Loving each other but not being 'in love' with each other is not an uncommon state.  Rather than leaving things as they are and not discussing how you feel about each other, why not try some open respectful communication - this will build honesty and transparency between you and may even take you to a softer more loving place.  Who knows you may even fall in love all over again.

 'you have to keep falling in love . .... . you just have to keep falling in love with the same person'. Tony Parsons 'Man and Wife'.

The Damaging Affair

Adultery is always damaging to the couple relationship.  The extent of the damage depends on the nature of the dishonesty, the level and duration of the deceit; and how distressed and betrayed the partner experiences the infidelity.  Everyone reacts differently in these situations so there is no precise recipe, sequence or outcome to follow.

The effect of a 'third' in the relationship creates at the very least - loss of trust and feelings of betrayal.

Each couple is different.  An affair would mean the end of the relationship to some - the betrayal being too great to recover from.  Others, whilst feeling hurt and betrayed might decide that in the context of having been together for many years, the affair is not going to mean the end of the relationship.  There are those who turn a 'blind eye' to indiscretions imagining that if they are not 'seen' they cannot hurt. Kate Spicer in the Sunday Times writes an article entitled 'Adultery: it's the grown-up way to love'.  She quotes Catherine Hakim who advocates harmless 'playfairs' as beneficial holidays from a marriage. In her book The New Rules, she recommends dating sites for affairs on the side, saying this is the way for a marriage to last. 

How can lying, holding secrets and being intimate with extra-marital playmates possibly strengthen the couple bond or make the marriage closer? When secrets are held from each other; when there is a lack of honesty; a failure to communicate openly, the relationship is in a disconnected and dangerous place.  

When a relationship is lacking in honesty it is only a matter of time before the opportunity arises to have an affair.  Peggy Vaughan writes in The Monogamy Myth -  'Attractions between people do, in fact, go on all our lives.  Marriage and even the deepest love, commitment and devotion do not stop these attractions.  How we respond to attraction and temptation has more to do with personal history and psychodynamics than with morality'.

Relationships vary hugely.  From the strictly monogamous on both sides to open marriages where either partner can sexually do exactly as they please whilst remaining married and committed to each other.  I have seen examples of both these extremes and much between - couples who have affairs in secret; couples who tell each other about their sexual indiscretions to anger or arouse them; couples who 'play' together with other sexual playmates to spice up their own sexual relationship; couples who have a sexless relationship and are happy.

Being a couple is a unique experience and should be a shared experience. There is no right or wrong way, as long as it works for the two people involved.

However, what seems to be most important is that truth and honesty prevail. With help it is sometimes possible to repair a marriage broken by an affair.  If both partners are willing to explore their emotions and understand the underlying reasons for the affair with honesty and lack of blame, it is sometimes possible to move on to an even stronger and more closely connected relationship beyond.

'The hope for monogamy lies in making a conscious choice that specifically involves a commitment to honesty' - Peggy Vaughan ' The Monogamy Myth'.

End of the line?

Couples who seek my support are often in crisis.  Either one or both partners have reached the 'end of their tether' on some level.  They are so caught up in the negative cycles of their day to day battle they can no longer see the wood for the trees.  They often view what is happening in much bigger and bleaker terms than may be the reality.  Conversely, there may be nothing left to salvage.

The desire to save your marriage can be overwhelming; the desire to end your marriage can be equally overwhelming.  This is never an easy decision and takes time to understand the full situation in order to make a balanced assessment based on sound thought processes rather than hurt, angry, knee-jerk reactions.

Setting aside time for some couple counselling sessions will help to clarify the state of the relationship.  At its best, the couple can find new more harmonious ways of being together - to regrow their love and appreciation for each other - this is sometimes a surprising outcome when a couple is 'at war' and apparently cannot find a way forward.  Even where one partner has been unfaithful, mending and strengthening of the relationship can still be achieved with hard work, understanding and determination.

Sometimes, however, reconciliation cannot be achieved. After trying everything to save your relationship, if you still decide to separate, counselling mediation can be used to help remain balanced about what needs to be done in order to achieve separation . Goal-focused sessions where the practicalities of who is going to move out, the financial implications of running two homes and most importantly working together to ensure the continued love and care of your children can all be discussed in safety.

Spending some structured time together to sort out your emotions and the reasons for this ending can also be a really useful way to fully understand with clarity the need for separation. Allowing time to be reasonable, realistic and rational about your situation, without resorting to argument can make the difference between an acrimonious or amicable ending.

Children should not be used as marital glue - it is better for children to have two happier parents who are separated than living within the disharmony of an unhappy parental relationship

Investing in the bank of Us

So often I hear stories either from individuals or couples about neglect in their relationship - taking each other for granted is common until things go very wrong.  Only then the couple make an effort to save themselves, but by then it may be too late.  Whilst busy with the mundanity of everyday life - the demands of jobs, children, household chores - they forget to invest in their relationship, and pay the ultimate penalty for their neglect - relationship bankruptcy.

This particularly occurs when two individuals are busy with their young family.  They are parents and partners together and whilst caught up in the ever-increasing needs and demands of their young children, they often forget their own needs for mutual appreciation and for time set aside to be a couple together.

By choosing to find time for each other the balance can shift from 'all about everything else' to 'something special for the two of us'.  Taking time out for each other will give you the chance to remember what it is like to be a couple again - set apart from the family you have made together. 

This does not require grand gestures of gifts and weekends away.  A care-free walk hand-in-hand on a summer's evening; a getaway camping trip to be close to each other and the elements; a 'date-night' now and then.  These are a few simple ways to keep your couple connection alive - by making room for the 'us' you are making sound investment.  In the home environment, a foot or back rub offered without needing to be asked; a spontaneous loving hug; an admiring glance; a warm smile - these are simple little gestures that can help keep the warmth and connection in your relationship; stolen moments away from the pressures of life.  The children also benefit from seeing a wonderful demonstration of warmth and love, an example they can emulate when they are adults.

These simple measures can prevent the dissatisfaction that quickly leads to sniping and bickering  - which can in turn lead to major unhappiness between you.  In the hum-drum and excitement of life you can easily lose sense of why you are together and potentially lose each other.  All human beings desire to be someone's 'special person' but for each of you to feel special needs investment from both sides.

If time spent together leaves either of you feeling as though something is missing or that the love and conversation has died, it could be time to seek help to facilitate you to a warmer, more connected relationship.

Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike - J.K. Rowling

Sunny side up

One of the easiest things in life is to focus on negatives. There are those of us who naturally have a 'cup half full' attitude to life and others who just as naturally have a 'cup half empty' view-point.  We all differ in this regard and may be optimists in certain areas of our lives and pessimists in others. For example, someone who has always done well at work may perpetually have a positive attitude to their work and how it will be in the future; the same person may feel pessimistic about their couple relationship due to previous negative experiences with ex-partners.

We are all influenced by our past experiences and sometimes have to work hard in order to put these negative experiences behind us to prevent anticipating a repeat.  Negative expectation brings about the negative.  For example a person who believes that they are not good enough to be in relationship with their partner could quite easily, over a period of time, make this a self-fulfilling prophecy so that their partner no longer wants to be with them.

Henry Ford of the Ford motorcar summed up this phenomenon in just a few words - 'whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right'.

A negative out-look can make the worst occur.  Whilst looking on the bright side and hoping for the best can bring about positive outcomes.

Understandably, couples I see often come to counselling concentrating on the negatives in their partners.  They arrive entrenched in the difficulties of their relationship.  They have arrived at an impasse.  Part of my role is to facilitate the understanding of the present situation; help to examine the historic journey to this point; explore the realistic options available and help to ascertain if there is enough mutual appreciation to begin to find an 'adjusted' way forwards.

Reviewing what you like about each other can be a simple way of resetting the dials on the way you think about your partner - by shining a light on the positives things can start to look a lot brighter.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you - Maori proverb