The Damaging Affair

Adultery is always damaging to the couple relationship.  The extent of the damage depends on the nature of the dishonesty, the level and duration of the deceit; and how distressed and betrayed the partner experiences the infidelity.  Everyone reacts differently in these situations so there is no precise recipe, sequence or outcome to follow.

The effect of a 'third' in the relationship creates at the very least - loss of trust and feelings of betrayal.

Each couple is different.  An affair would mean the end of the relationship to some - the betrayal being too great to recover from.  Others, whilst feeling hurt and betrayed might decide that in the context of having been together for many years, the affair is not going to mean the end of the relationship.  There are those who turn a 'blind eye' to indiscretions imagining that if they are not 'seen' they cannot hurt. Kate Spicer in the Sunday Times writes an article entitled 'Adultery: it's the grown-up way to love'.  She quotes Catherine Hakim who advocates harmless 'playfairs' as beneficial holidays from a marriage. In her book The New Rules, she recommends dating sites for affairs on the side, saying this is the way for a marriage to last. 

How can lying, holding secrets and being intimate with extra-marital playmates possibly strengthen the couple bond or make the marriage closer? When secrets are held from each other; when there is a lack of honesty; a failure to communicate openly, the relationship is in a disconnected and dangerous place.  

When a relationship is lacking in honesty it is only a matter of time before the opportunity arises to have an affair.  Peggy Vaughan writes in The Monogamy Myth -  'Attractions between people do, in fact, go on all our lives.  Marriage and even the deepest love, commitment and devotion do not stop these attractions.  How we respond to attraction and temptation has more to do with personal history and psychodynamics than with morality'.

Relationships vary hugely.  From the strictly monogamous on both sides to open marriages where either partner can sexually do exactly as they please whilst remaining married and committed to each other.  I have seen examples of both these extremes and much between - couples who have affairs in secret; couples who tell each other about their sexual indiscretions to anger or arouse them; couples who 'play' together with other sexual playmates to spice up their own sexual relationship; couples who have a sexless relationship and are happy.

Being a couple is a unique experience and should be a shared experience. There is no right or wrong way, as long as it works for the two people involved.

However, what seems to be most important is that truth and honesty prevail. With help it is sometimes possible to repair a marriage broken by an affair.  If both partners are willing to explore their emotions and understand the underlying reasons for the affair with honesty and lack of blame, it is sometimes possible to move on to an even stronger and more closely connected relationship beyond.

'The hope for monogamy lies in making a conscious choice that specifically involves a commitment to honesty' - Peggy Vaughan ' The Monogamy Myth'.

End of the line?

Couples who seek my support are often in crisis.  Either one or both partners have reached the 'end of their tether' on some level.  They are so caught up in the negative cycles of their day to day battle they can no longer see the wood for the trees.  They often view what is happening in much bigger and bleaker terms than may be the reality.  Conversely, there may be nothing left to salvage.

The desire to save your marriage can be overwhelming; the desire to end your marriage can be equally overwhelming.  This is never an easy decision and takes time to understand the full situation in order to make a balanced assessment based on sound thought processes rather than hurt, angry, knee-jerk reactions.

Setting aside time for some couple counselling sessions will help to clarify the state of the relationship.  At its best, the couple can find new more harmonious ways of being together - to regrow their love and appreciation for each other - this is sometimes a surprising outcome when a couple is 'at war' and apparently cannot find a way forward.  Even where one partner has been unfaithful, mending and strengthening of the relationship can still be achieved with hard work, understanding and determination.

Sometimes, however, reconciliation cannot be achieved. After trying everything to save your relationship, if you still decide to separate, counselling mediation can be used to help remain balanced about what needs to be done in order to achieve separation . Goal-focused sessions where the practicalities of who is going to move out, the financial implications of running two homes and most importantly working together to ensure the continued love and care of your children can all be discussed in safety.

Spending some structured time together to sort out your emotions and the reasons for this ending can also be a really useful way to fully understand with clarity the need for separation. Allowing time to be reasonable, realistic and rational about your situation, without resorting to argument can make the difference between an acrimonious or amicable ending.

Children should not be used as marital glue - it is better for children to have two happier parents who are separated than living within the disharmony of an unhappy parental relationship

Investing in the bank of Us

So often I hear stories either from individuals or couples about neglect in their relationship - taking each other for granted is common until things go very wrong.  Only then the couple make an effort to save themselves, but by then it may be too late.  Whilst busy with the mundanity of everyday life - the demands of jobs, children, household chores - they forget to invest in their relationship, and pay the ultimate penalty for their neglect - relationship bankruptcy.

This particularly occurs when two individuals are busy with their young family.  They are parents and partners together and whilst caught up in the ever-increasing needs and demands of their young children, they often forget their own needs for mutual appreciation and for time set aside to be a couple together.

By choosing to find time for each other the balance can shift from 'all about everything else' to 'something special for the two of us'.  Taking time out for each other will give you the chance to remember what it is like to be a couple again - set apart from the family you have made together. 

This does not require grand gestures of gifts and weekends away.  A care-free walk hand-in-hand on a summer's evening; a getaway camping trip to be close to each other and the elements; a 'date-night' now and then.  These are a few simple ways to keep your couple connection alive - by making room for the 'us' you are making sound investment.  In the home environment, a foot or back rub offered without needing to be asked; a spontaneous loving hug; an admiring glance; a warm smile - these are simple little gestures that can help keep the warmth and connection in your relationship; stolen moments away from the pressures of life.  The children also benefit from seeing a wonderful demonstration of warmth and love, an example they can emulate when they are adults.

These simple measures can prevent the dissatisfaction that quickly leads to sniping and bickering  - which can in turn lead to major unhappiness between you.  In the hum-drum and excitement of life you can easily lose sense of why you are together and potentially lose each other.  All human beings desire to be someone's 'special person' but for each of you to feel special needs investment from both sides.

If time spent together leaves either of you feeling as though something is missing or that the love and conversation has died, it could be time to seek help to facilitate you to a warmer, more connected relationship.

Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike - J.K. Rowling

Sunny side up

One of the easiest things in life is to focus on negatives. There are those of us who naturally have a 'cup half full' attitude to life and others who just as naturally have a 'cup half empty' view-point.  We all differ in this regard and may be optimists in certain areas of our lives and pessimists in others. For example, someone who has always done well at work may perpetually have a positive attitude to their work and how it will be in the future; the same person may feel pessimistic about their couple relationship due to previous negative experiences with ex-partners.

We are all influenced by our past experiences and sometimes have to work hard in order to put these negative experiences behind us to prevent anticipating a repeat.  Negative expectation brings about the negative.  For example a person who believes that they are not good enough to be in relationship with their partner could quite easily, over a period of time, make this a self-fulfilling prophecy so that their partner no longer wants to be with them.

Henry Ford of the Ford motorcar summed up this phenomenon in just a few words - 'whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right'.

A negative out-look can make the worst occur.  Whilst looking on the bright side and hoping for the best can bring about positive outcomes.

Understandably, couples I see often come to counselling concentrating on the negatives in their partners.  They arrive entrenched in the difficulties of their relationship.  They have arrived at an impasse.  Part of my role is to facilitate the understanding of the present situation; help to examine the historic journey to this point; explore the realistic options available and help to ascertain if there is enough mutual appreciation to begin to find an 'adjusted' way forwards.

Reviewing what you like about each other can be a simple way of resetting the dials on the way you think about your partner - by shining a light on the positives things can start to look a lot brighter.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you - Maori proverb

Couples of all shapes and sizes and many guises.

It is human-nature to seek closeness with other human beings - for each individual to want a 'special someone' just for them.  Some people do this to the exclusion of all others, their codependency becoming a tight-knit unit of two with no room for self or for others.  The lack of air between this couple often suffocates individualism - and yet seems to provide a mutually beneficial comfort for both partners.  Some couples are happy with this arrangement.

Other couples seem to have no commonality in their lives.  The coming together is infrequent and at best polite.  They are ships passing.  Again, this might suit both partners and might be exactly how they want their relationship to be.

Other individuals choose a partner with whom they have things in common so that they can have shared interests and activities and can pursue these together whilst also doing things apart.  In this type of coupling there will be room for individuality, room for separateness and room for personal growth.  And yet even in this balanced, equitable coupling there may be a fear of abandonment and a fear of engulfment working in opposition to each other.  The fear of abandonment in the relationship maintains the longing for closeness; the fear of engulfment prevents the loss of self.  The separateness and autonomy are there to preserve the individual in the relationship and paradoxically to allow closeness to exist.  If the togetherness is too close, there is no distance to travel to find each other.

Esther Perel in her excellent book, Mating in Captivity states 'with too much distance, there can be no connection.  But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals.  Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side.  When people become fused - when two become one - connection can no longer happen.  There is no one to connect with.  Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.'

The fit of a couple is as unique as the individuals themselves.  There is no right or wrong in how a couple fits together so long as it works for both of them.  When one or other partner is no longer happy or when disharmony is prevalent, perhaps it is time to seek help from a couple counsellor who can facilitate the communication needed between you to move forward more harmoniously.

When the Fledglings Fly

As parents we spend about 18 years nurturing, supporting and encouraging our children to become incrementally more independent so that when they finish their A levels, they attempt to leave the family unit.

Whilst this is a significant, exciting and often fairly terrifying move for the 18 year old, it is also significant and fairly terrifying for the parent/s and siblings left behind.  Apart from short periods of separation for school camps, or holidays with friends/relatives the young adult is now moving off for the first time to his/her independent life.

After the mounting stress of supporting your child through years of exams, university visits, university choices, personal statement, university offers, more exams and finally results, you are now preparing yourselves for a major shift in your relationships - with each other and with those left in the family home.

Logically as a parent you think your child moving off to the next part of their life is a good result - the culmination of years of effort; the natural progression and what you had always hoped for them.  Beyond the logical part of this 'loss', there is a parent in mourning.  A part that is unfortunately referred to by the wholly inadequate catch-phrase 'empty nest'.  To my mind, this does not remotely cover the powerful range of emotions now being experienced by the parent/s.

It is well-documented that mothers feel this rise of emotions more keenly then fathers; however Tom Utley wrote in The Daily Mail 26th September 2011 a brave and refreshing account of his experience as his fourth child left home for University entitled  'After 26 years, our four boys have all left home. Is it too unmanly to admit I'm suffering Empty Nest Syndrome?'

The emotions experienced as the young adult leaves home defies explanation.  Seemingly from out of nowhere comes a welling up of tears and feelings of emptiness, loss, anxiety and even abandonment.  The rational mind is able to reason and understand what is happening, yet these emotions rise from a deep place inside us which seem illogical and uncontrollable.

These emotions are similar to those elicited when experiencing a bereavement - and as with bereavement, no-one can predict how long you will grieve.  These feelings will last for how ever long it takes for the new dynamics at home to feel 'normal'. 

Children leaving home is a huge life change.  Using a Counsellor to explore and make sense of these profound symptoms of change can help alleviate some of the loneliness whilst validating your very real experience.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home - Bill Cosby

After the Babe Arrives

A male client once told me how he thinks it is a cruel trick of nature that once a woman has had her babies she is no longer sexually interested in her man, now the father of her children.  His opinion was formed by his own experience of having a close intimate relationship with his long-term partner until their twin boys arrived.

It does seem to be a frequently experienced phenomenon for the couple who were in a loving, equal relationship to find much has changed beyond the baby's arrival.  Indeed, for some, this is experienced as soon as the pregnancy is confirmed.  Sometimes the man feels strange about making love to his now pregnant partner, and sometimes it is the pregnant mother-to-be who is not interested in sex or feels protective of her unborn child.

There is no doubt that the arrival of the first baby completely changes the couple unit - they are now a family, and whilst being completely besotted with their new baby, their relationship has changed forever and their individual identities have also changed forever.  They have become parents jointly and mother and father separately.  They have very little or no time for each other as a couple because all the attention is now on the baby.

Whilst some couples manage this transition really well - are full of understanding and love for each other in their new joint situation and in their exhaustion - many couples struggle to get back what they feel they have lost and struggle to find themselves in their new roles.  This is often more apparent with new dads who feel pushed out, supplanted by the baby who is now the centre of his woman's world; and who feel the weight of responsibility of having a new dependent.

It is however possible to reclaim your intimate relationship with your partner if the will to succeed is there for both of you.  If the dialogue around sex and physical tenderness has become embarrassed it will be hard to move forward without some helpful intervention.  It is important not to allow the rift in your physical relationship to continue for more than a few months - habits quickly form and are harder to break the longer they exist.

Starting a family need not be the end of the intimate relationship you had.  With determination and mutual understanding you can be both a family and a loving, connected couple.