From the many AS spectrum clients I have seen over the years I would say that without exception they or their partner have reported some kind of negative or unhelpful behaviours in their sexual relationship.
These issues can vary yet there are some strong repeating patterns from couple to couple. Broadly speaking these sexual difficulties will sooner or later adversely effect the couple’s sexual relationship.
One of the repeating patterns is that there is often difficulty with combining sex and love. The typical theme is for the AS partner to be able to enthusiastically embark on a reasonably healthy sexual connection at the outset. Then after 6-12 months, if they fall in love with, commit to or live with their partner, the sexual desire for their partner quickly dwindles. They find it almost impossible to do sex and love. So whilst there is not yet love, they can do sex as a separate activity giving the impression that they have a good libido and enjoy sex - but when the heart engages, they find it less appealing to be sexual even when they are still very attracted to their partner. This is horribly confusing for their partner as the rejection feels personal and diminishes their sense of self as a desirable adult. In the meantime, the AS partner can imagine sex with other partners and will find it difficult to remain faithful.
The only reason I can find for this is that whilst it doesn’t matter too much in the initial stages of seeing someone, sex can be seen as a thing apart - fun and without deep meaning. When the heart attaches or when there is a commitment made by calling it a relationship, it changes. This seems to be about 'Responsibility'. In the infancy of a new liaison or hook-up for sex, there can be an ease. When it is defined as a relationship, with feelings, love and care, this also brings a new sense of responsibility. It is, I believe, this sense of responsibility that can kill the pure joy of sexual fun and switches on a different mechanism in the AS brain - one of feeling responsible for the happiness and sexual satisfaction of their partner - it feels heavy and onerous. I have had this idea confirmed by AS clients who agree that they would prefer to masturbate than to have sex with their partner, not for absence of love or attraction, but for fear of falling short of this new ‘responsibility’ to their loved one. Masturbatory practice is relatively effortless as it is free from responsibility to another - pleasing ones own body comes without complication of the needs/wants of a partner. Once the doubt sets in it multiplies until making love to his/her partner becomes fraught with hidden danger in the AS mind. The danger of failure, of not satisfying, of getting it wrong - and indeed the more their partner is disappointed by not having sex, the more the pressure of ‘performing’ builds. This results in a complete lack of initiation of sex with their partner and can also create erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, retarded ejaculation or loss of arousal.
The other common sexual behaviour reported by the NT partnered with an AS man or woman is that sex is ‘ just a sport’ and is performed as if they don’t exist. At its worst this means a partner of either gender can feel that despite the sexual contact having started as consensual, they feel taken against their will due to the lack of connection - a woman can feel like she could be anyone like she’s just a ‘vagina’. This AS approach to sex leaves their partner feeling at best used and at worst abused. When there is zero emotional connection, it is just a physical act to fulfil the goal of orgasm.
Many NT female partners of AS men have told me they feel like sex becomes transactional. That when the AS man feels he is making effort in the relationship he then expects to be rewarded with sex. For obvious reasons this attitude becomes very off-putting for the NT partner who feels like she's wanted only as a commodity.
AS brains seem to focus wholly on the goal of orgasm. This means there is little or no foreplay, no build up to arousal and little consideration for their partner’s satisfaction. The exception to this is if they happen to find their partner’s orgasm arousing - then they will spend time (and money by way of sex toys) to make sure that their partner orgasms - perhaps multiple times. The satisfaction of their partner serves to give them positive feedback of being a good attentive lover - which in turn makes them feel good about themselves.
The sexual and physical vocabulary of the AS individual is often limited, robotic, repetitive and perfunctory, without emotion. They may think that increasing the quantity of orgasms for their partner by introducing sex toys is improving the quality of their sex-life. It is in fact diminishing the potential for deeper connection in the couple whilst shifting the responsibility to the sex toys so that they can no longer ‘fail’. In fact by buying the vibrators they believe they are giving the orgasm to their partner which in their own eyes means they are great lovers. But in seeking to provide more orgasmic experience for their partner, they are not improving the quality of connection or experiencing the joy of touch or the subtleties of seduction, sensuousness or arousal. This is because the AS partner has no need for any of these things themselves. Indeed touch can be painful, and they do not see the point of seduction or arousal as it is outside of their own needs. Some partners of AS men have described their sex life as ‘painting by numbers’.
Men and women with AS brains are more likely to become addicted to online porn and are more likely to pay for sex than any other group - their justification is that it doesn’t do anyone any harm and it helps them to manage themselves. The faulty logic of the AS brain also makes it more likely to believe that embarking on orgiastic or swinging behaviours with other couples or a third party will not adversely effect their relationship. In fact the belief is that it’s just added fun or ‘spice’ to improve the sexual relationship. The AS partner cannot see how this might have some undesired outcomes and truly believes that because their partner seems to be agreeing to these activities, that all is well. However, it is often that the NT partner is doing it to keep their AS partner happy in their relationship. An NT brain is more likely to be able to quickly ascertain that there could be disastrous consequences for the relationship and can see that there can be no positive outcome in an otherwise monogamous commitment. A common outcome for this scenario is that during the shared sexual liaisons, even when embarked on together, the NT partner will eventually meet a more like-minded match who can really connect with their emotional needs. This can be the catalyst for a relationship ending.
All these sexual behaviours are in line with the three main recognised impairments that exist due to the particular way that the AS brain thinks predominantly from the left frontal lobe of the brain. I will discuss these three impairments - interaction, communication and imagination - at greater length in my next blog.