AS and The triad of Limitations

A lot of my work is with couples whose brains work differently.  I call this mixed brain-workings. I do this to avoid apportioning blame. However it is also important to name the difference in how the two partners think.  I often find myself explaining to the Neurotypical partner (NT) that the Asperger (AS) brain has limitations (impairments).  NT individuals can also be limited in other ways such as Maths, IT or their level of concentration or application. The AS individual also has very many strengths and skills absent in an NT brain. We are all different we all have our particular skill set and each of us is better at some things than others. 

Very often, if the AS component to the relationship has been discovered, the NT partner will read widely around the topic so that they feel they now understand their partner completely.  Their knowledge has most certainly broadened from their research and they now have a clearer understanding of why the problems arise in their relationship, however what's often missing is the acceptance that their partner's brain is not capable of instinctively doing what an NT partner would do naturally in a relationship. The deep desire to be heard and understood creates an intense dissatisfaction in the NT half of the couple and a constant sense of frustration and disappointment in their partner and they wonder why things still regularly 'go wrong'.  As a therapist who understands how each partner thinks and experiences their relationship, my role is to facilitate similar understanding between the AS/NT partners, to act as an intermediary until they can do this for themselves.

There are so many ways that the NT partner can unintentionally overwhelm their AS partner. These ways can be as innocuous as asking too many questions, rambling around a topic, setting too many tasks/chores all at once, changing their mind or showing emotion with tears or with a higher pitch to their voice. Each partner struggles with the other's behaviour or lack of. Each partner feels they must 'tread on eggshells' and each partner often feels unloved in their relationship. 

There are three main limitations to the way the AS brain works.  All three severely impact the couple relationship.  There are many individuals, both diagnosed and undiagnosed who are low on the ASD spectrum so that in most area of their lives - work, friendships and family are successful enough.  It is in the significant couple relationship where these limitations become apparent. These three limitations are Interaction, Communication and Imagination.

Interaction

There is an impaired ability to appropriately interact with others which can look like shyness, awkwardness or inappropriateness of actions/words.  I once overheard someone on the spectrum joking with another man about his wife being a Thai prostitute - the trouble was this wasn't a joke, it was what he thought and thus accused his friend of being married to a prostitute while laughing so he thought he was being funny.  The interaction was clearly misplaced and insulting and yet he was unaware.  Texts and emails from clients who are on the spectrum are often clumsy and brusque or can be overly formal where formality is out of place. A flurry of texts can be excessive and verbose or too brief to the point of sounding rude.

Physical interaction can also be impaired - reluctance to hug, kiss or touch as a greeting for example.  Not knowing how to best do that or indeed using excessive force with bone-crushing handshakes or hugs.  This can effect the sexual interaction too where intimacy and intercourse can be robotic or perfunctory or repetitive in sequence.  

Communication

A commonly seen theme with those on the spectrum is an inability to chat in the back and forth conversational style used by the majority of NT individuals.  The style of delivery is often to speak enthusiastically about a topic of interest delivered almost like a lesson or lecture.

They often do not want to share ideas as they may have a fixed perspective and if someone offers up an interjection this will be considered an interruption and rude.  They interrupt a lot but don't like to be interrupted. They don't like being interrupted for fear of losing their thread. Conversations in couples become stilted and frustrating as they do not have the back and forth easy quality of a satisfying conversation.

There is mostly a dislike and inability to enter into chit chat - the AS brain seeing absolutely no purpose to it.  They also find it very difficult to ascertain when their audience has become bored and is no longer interested by their monologue on their special topic of interest. 

Another part of the impairment in communication for the AS individual is the nuance of other people's expression - another reason why they will neither notice boredom nor hurt feelings - it is all too subtle and may even misread upset for anger. Vocal quality is often misunderstood as 'aggression' rather than impassioned by feelings.

Imagination

I have often heard my AS Clients say the phrase 'I can't imagine life without her'.  To the untrained ear this sounds like an expression of love for his partner.  But what is actually meant is quite literal - they actually cannot imagine life being different to how it is right now.

The idea of moving house or job is often too much for them as they cannot imagine living in a different home or going to a different job or to have a different commute. I have had clients ask me for a picture of my consulting room so that they know what it will look like. One client was hugely thrown by me moving office even though it was a 10 minute walk from the first one.

However, imagination used at work is often exceptionally skilled as there is a tremendous ability to think outside the box in creative/business scenarios.  This can seem like a confusing contradiction as within relationships and family there is an impaired ability to imagine what might be required of them or how to do things differently or how someone else might feel - a lack of empathy and initiative, an obliviousness.  Same is good. routines are comfortable and the imagination to think beyond what currently is will often be absent. This includes staying in the same job even when not being treated well or until the company has gone under.

Summation

This triad of limitations significantly effects the person on the spectrum as they often feel not good enough and they feel like they are always getting things wrong. But this also heavily impacts their partner whose needs are not being anticipated or met.

There is an inability to imagine what it is like for anyone else - what it is like to be on the receiving end of this limited behaviour and how ignored, unimportant and lonely their partner often feels.

The couple relationship can only improve when both partners learn more about their different brain-workings. They then have the chance to accept their differences and be together with tolerance, respect and kindness. This allows for less discordance and for a more harmonious existence together. 

Sex and Aspergers

From the many AS spectrum clients I have seen over the years I would say that without exception they or their partner have reported some kind of negative or unhelpful behaviours in their sexual relationship.

These issues can vary yet there are some strong repeating patterns from couple to couple. Broadly speaking these sexual difficulties will sooner or later adversely effect the couple’s sexual relationship. 

One of the repeating patterns is that there is often difficulty with combining sex and love.  The typical theme is for the AS partner to be able to enthusiastically embark on a reasonably healthy sexual connection at the outset. Then after 6-12 months, if they fall in love with, commit to or live with their partner, the sexual desire for their partner quickly dwindles.  They find it almost impossible to do sex and love. So whilst there is not yet love, they can do sex as a separate activity giving the impression that they have a good libido and enjoy sex -  but when the heart engages, they find it less appealing to be sexual even when they are still very attracted to their partner.  This is horribly confusing for their partner as the rejection feels personal and diminishes their sense of self as a desirable adult. In the meantime, the AS partner can imagine sex with other partners and will find it difficult to remain faithful.

The only reason I can find for this is that whilst it doesn’t matter too much in the initial stages of seeing someone, sex can be seen as a thing apart - fun and without deep meaning.  When the heart attaches or when there is a commitment made by calling it a relationship, it changes.  This seems to be about 'Responsibility'.  In the infancy of a new liaison or hook-up for sex, there can be an ease.  When it is defined as a relationship, with feelings, love and care, this also brings a new sense of responsibility.  It is, I believe, this sense of responsibility that can kill the pure joy of sexual fun and switches on a different mechanism in the AS brain - one of feeling responsible for the happiness and sexual satisfaction of their partner - it feels heavy and onerous. I have had this idea confirmed by AS clients who agree that they would prefer to masturbate than to have sex with their partner, not for absence of love or attraction, but for fear of falling short of this new ‘responsibility’ to their loved one.  Masturbatory practice is relatively effortless as it is free from responsibility to another - pleasing ones own body comes without complication of the needs/wants of a partner.  Once the doubt sets in it multiplies until making love to his/her partner becomes fraught with hidden danger in the AS mind.  The danger of failure, of not satisfying, of getting it wrong - and indeed the more their partner is disappointed by not having sex, the more the pressure of ‘performing’ builds.  This results in a complete lack of initiation of sex with their partner and can also create erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, retarded ejaculation or loss of arousal.

The other common sexual behaviour reported by the NT partnered with an AS man or woman is that sex is ‘ just a sport’ and is performed as if they don’t exist.  At its worst this means a partner of either gender can feel that despite the sexual contact having started as consensual, they feel taken against their will due to the lack of connection - a woman can feel like she could be anyone like she’s just a ‘vagina’.  This AS approach to sex leaves their partner feeling at best used and at worst abused. When there is zero emotional connection, it is just a physical act to fulfil the goal of orgasm.

Many NT female partners of AS men have told me they feel like sex becomes transactional. That when the AS man feels he is making effort in the relationship he then expects to be rewarded with sex. For obvious reasons this attitude becomes very off-putting for the NT partner who feels like she's wanted only as a commodity. 

AS brains seem to focus wholly on the goal of orgasm.  This means there is little or no foreplay, no build up to arousal and little consideration for their partner’s satisfaction.  The exception to this is if they happen to find their partner’s orgasm arousing - then they will spend time (and money by way of sex toys) to make sure that their partner orgasms - perhaps multiple times.  The satisfaction of their partner serves to give them positive feedback of being a good attentive lover - which in turn makes them feel good about themselves.

The sexual and physical vocabulary of the AS individual is often limited, robotic, repetitive and perfunctory, without emotion.  They may think that increasing the quantity of orgasms for their partner by introducing sex toys is improving the quality of their sex-life.  It is in fact diminishing the potential for deeper connection in the couple whilst shifting the responsibility to the sex toys so that they can no longer ‘fail’.  In fact by buying the vibrators they believe they are giving the orgasm to their partner which in their own eyes means they are great lovers. But in seeking to provide more orgasmic experience for their partner, they are not improving the quality of connection or experiencing the joy of touch or the subtleties of seduction, sensuousness or arousal.  This is because the AS partner has no need for any of these things themselves.  Indeed touch can be painful, and they do not see the point of seduction or arousal as it is outside of their own needs. Some partners of AS men have described their sex life as ‘painting by numbers’. 

Men and women with AS brains are more likely to become addicted to online porn and are more likely to pay for sex than any other group - their justification is that it doesn’t do anyone any harm and it helps them to manage themselves. The faulty logic of the AS brain also makes it more likely to believe that embarking on orgiastic or swinging behaviours with other couples or a third party will not adversely effect their relationship.  In fact the belief is that it’s just added fun or ‘spice’ to improve the sexual relationship. The AS partner cannot see how this might have some undesired outcomes and truly believes that because their partner seems to be agreeing to these activities, that all is well.  However, it is often that the NT partner is doing it to keep their AS partner happy in their relationship.  An NT brain is more likely to be able to quickly ascertain that there could be disastrous consequences for the relationship and can see that there can be no positive outcome in an otherwise monogamous commitment. A common outcome for this scenario is that during the shared sexual liaisons, even when embarked on together, the NT partner will eventually meet a more like-minded match who can really connect with their emotional needs.  This can be the catalyst for a relationship ending.

All these sexual behaviours are in line with the three main recognised impairments that exist due to the particular way that the AS brain thinks predominantly from the left frontal lobe of the brain.  I will discuss these three impairments - interaction, communication and imagination - at greater length in my next blog.

The Roundabout - Asperger's/Neurotypical Couple Conversations

Many couples who come to see me are tired of their painful conversations that circle round and round without conclusion. They are continuously and frustratingly having conversations that go nowhere.  I call this cycle of interaction the Roundabout.

Often couples turn up to counselling at the point where their resentment has built to such a high level that they are beside themselves with anger. The dissatisfaction in their partner has become too much to endure. No longer listening to each other - yet still holding the hope for things to improve.

Perhaps these frustrations were always there from the start but in a much quieter way.  In the flush of new love, a lot of signs can be overlooked. The small red flags you noticed but ignored initially can later become clanging alarm bells which seem impossible to muffle.

You both end up on a short fuse so that any little thing can quickly blow up into blazing rows, walk-outs or stone-walling.

As you both continue to live in this inflamed state, any little comment will touch a raw nerve.  You’ll both be highly reactive, live life treading on egg-shells, tip-toeing around each other or ignoring each other. It has all become too difficult and painful and feels hopeless.

This cycle may well be rooted in differing brain workings - where one partner thinks in a Neurotypical way and the other thinks in an Asperger’s way.  Even when the couple have a lot in common, and are on the same page with many aspects of life, the different brain wiring creates repeating problematic patterns of behaviour in their relationship. 

The Neurotypical partner is most often wanting a resolved outcome from one or more good to-and-fro conversations.

The Aspergers partner is mostly wanting one conversation in which he/she will express their position and will quickly become bored or confused if the same conversations repeat - ignoring the fact that no resolution has yet been found.

Conversations need to be more of a Serve and Return interaction followed by a sequence of rallies of different length. Sometimes this will lead to a conclusion, sometimes this will lead to other conversations in the hope of finding a conclusion. 

You can learn to do these conversations differently so that you both feel more satisfied with how you have related to each other - calmly and with minimal frustration. The aim will be to stop the perpetual cycle of one of you feeling unheard and the other feeling criticised.

The Roundabout cycle can be transformed into a to-and-fro friendly game of bat and ball  where there is no competition and no winner or loser. A game of satisfying interaction where both of you are pleased with how you have related to each other.

I am very familiar with seeing couples who experience this perpetual Roundabout in their relationship  where they circle round and round getting nowhere. I can help you to gain a fuller understanding of yourselves and each other so that you can learn how to finally get off the Roundabout.

Using my extensive knowledge gained over 15 years’ of working with couples, I offer my expert help to give you the best chance possible to move forward into an optimised relationship.

Active listening is half of any conversation 

Freddi Manson - 07792 186720

The Invisible Elephant - undiagnosed Aspergers

This is a continuation of looking at the particular issues faced in relationships where one partner has a Neuro-typical brain and the other is on the Aspergers Spectrum - whether diagnosed or undiagnosed.

In this writing I will look specifically at the unmovable nature of people on the Aspergers Spectrum and how in relationship, they often need their partner to bend to their wants quite significantly for the relationship to 'work'. The curious thing is that while their NT (neuro-typical) partner is constantly working hard to accommodate their wants and needs, they truly believe that they are being the most considerate, flexible and helpful partner possible - even when the facts of their behaviour could prove otherwise. They might pick examples of their own helpful behaviour where they have given lifts, cooked a meal or sorted a practical issue for a child - what most people would consider to be just the normal things we do for one another in life.

For all of us, the truth is as we see it to a degree, however an NT brain can usually adjust to an altered perspective. But for the AS partner, this is the only way it can be seen because to their mind there is no other truth or explanation.  These same people can in business matters often see all perspectives, and are known for being fair and considerate.  It is in the couple relationship/marriage where these rigid ideas are most often seen.  The idea of fair and unfair becomes very skewed and despite their often careful logical assessment of a situation, unfortunately that logic is often 'faulty'.  They find it almost impossible to see a situation from their partner's perspective.  It is as it seems to them.  Black and white, no shade of grey, no room for an alternative perspective.

I liken this unbendable mind to a bar of steel.  It is as if the AS partner is made of steel - he/she has a set solid form which cannot be bent or coaxed into any other shape.  The NT partner is often a softer, warmer character who melds and accommodates in order to create the most harmonious relationship possible.  In order to better fit with her partner she will also adapt her behaviours to something less soft and more business-like which might give her a harder edge than she naturally had before the relationship.  I liken the NT character to a malleable sheet of lead such as is used on roofs to shape and fit the form it is nestling against. 

The NT lead partner shapes herself to her steel like partner to increase the harmony in their lives.

In doing so she will become a different shape to what was natural to her - she will be bent out of shape and in doing so can start to have some ongoing health problems as her body carries the stress. The likely illnesses to occur when she is bent out of shape are ME, depression, neck and back problems and eating disorders. Typically she will be less fit and well as she was before meeting her partner.

These patterns in the AS/NT relationship are very familiar to me because couples frequently arrive in my consulting room when they inevitably hit a period of crisis.  This usually happens when the NT partner is exhausted by the lack of understanding and love coming her way: or when the AS partner decides he is not making his partner happy.  These two things are often intrinsically linked. I often hear AS men say - I am happy when she is happy.  So when he is hearing 'criticism' for not getting things perfectly right in his partner's eyes he believes that she is not happy with him and he decides he's had enough.

There are challenges for both partners in this AS/NT coupling which can only be overcome by a more thorough exploration and understanding of how each of their minds work.  Only then appreciation, accommodation, acceptance and love can shine through. 

When there is an invisible elephant in the room, one is from time to time bound to trip over a trunk - Karen Joy Fowler

Aspergers needs a specialist counsellor

As a couples counsellor, I see certain familiar patterns of problems and behaviours occurring in many couple relationships. This is when one of the partners has an undiagnosed Asperger's condition.

The common theme is for there to be a persisting love for one another and a desire to be together - and yet certain parts of their relationship feel all wrong. There is plenty of room for misunderstanding and hurt in both directions.

Often, the neurotypical (NT) partner will feel neglected and unloved by her partner and will get frustrated and impassioned by the lack of emotion, appreciation and physical affection coming her way.

The Asperger's partner will be perfectly happy in the relationship as long as things are calm and the only time they feel unhappy is if their partner shows that they are unhappy in an emotional manner. So the NT partner melds to the AS partner in order for things to stay harmonious, but in doing so she bends herself out of shape and is rarely feeling completely herself or happy in the relationship.

It is a complex dance. A situation where each partner's 'truth' differs wildly from the other's. They are both right but fight about the other being wrong. Both end up wanting to change the other because their truth is the only truth. There are often lovely harmonious parts of the relationship too which is why the couple continue to stay together. The nice times continue the desire to be together.

The destructive, unhappy part of the cycle can be demystified by working with a couples counsellor who has a specialist interest in Aspergers; who can explain the different brain workings of a NT and AS brain to help clarify what is happening in the couple relationship,

Once they know the 'facts', the couple can then work on improving their relationship - or they can decide that it is not possible to be together. Arguably this is a better position to be in than not understanding why the cycle of frustrations and resentment persists.

Amongst diagnosed AS partners there is a recognised need for counsellors such as myself who understand the particular challenges the Asperger brain brings to the relationship.

Freddi Manson - Specialist Aspergers counselling  07792 186720

Aspergers in your relationship?

There are so many aspects to a relationship and so many ways for misunderstanding and miscommunication to occur.

This week in a session with one of my couple clients, I realised it was as if one was a native french speaker and the other was a native German speaker and they were trying to communicate with each other in their own language. Imagine the problems this would pose. 

Misunderstandings in relationships can come about for all sorts of reasons.

• Lack of time can create hurried, barky exchanges of information where offence can be taken and the meaning of the words can be lost.
• Male and female speaking and listening styles differ (Venus and Mars).
• Lack of respect in conversation can create real problems for the couple. The rudeness then gets in the way of the message and the love.
• The brains can be ‘wired’ differently. This leads to misunderstanding after misunderstanding because each person cannot be understood by their partner.          

As with my couple, their brains and how they compute factual detail and emotional content are worlds apart - a language apart.

What I am saying is not a poetic idea without scientific basis.  There are many people (currently estimated at 1:86) who are on the Aspergers spectrum but remain undiagnosed as they are high functioning and camouflage their condition well.

One of the most frequently recurring themes I see in my couple clients, irrespective of their presenting issue, is when one of them has an undiagnosed Aspergers condition.

Aspergers Syndrome (AS) brains work very differently from Neurotypical (NT) brains and can present a high level of misunderstandings in verbal exchanges, demonstration of emotion and decision making within the couple’s lives.

Typically, at the beginning of a relationship a high functioning Aspergic will make a big effort to behave in an acceptable manner with their new partner.  This does not come naturally to them - it is learned behaviour from mistakes made in previous relationships. They may also display behaviours which mimic a relationship they have seen that they think works well.  It is all an act - a mask the AS person wears in order to ‘achieve’ the coupling with their chosen partner.  They like the ‘idea’ of a relationship but are often unable to actually do the relationship.

The trouble is that sooner or later the mask will slip.  The behaviours required to make the relationship work are impossible to maintain.

Signs of the presence of high functioning Aspergers in your partner:

• Unable to truly empathise
• Looks blank as though not listening 
• Doesn't remember what you've said because they tuned out.
• When asked a question about something they have done they receive it as criticism.
• They justify their position or opinion instead of saying sorry.
• Black and white thinking.
• Think they are being considerate but it is not evidenced in action.
• Lacking in facial expression
• Mis-reading your facial expression as anger when impassioned.
• Mis-reading your tone of voice as aggressive or hysterical.
• Either disinterested in sex or treats sex like a sport or activity lacking in connection.
• Unable to connect with any relational depth.
• Makes decisions for themselves believing it has no affect on the relationship.
• Likes to feel popular as this tells them they must be OK
• Good at long-standing friendships but on a superficial level.
• Can be perceived as cold and disinterested.
• They need time out and will often desire their own company.
• Need regularity in their lives
• Need to be in control
• When over-challenged will either shut down and look blank; run off ; or become disproportionately angry.
• Turns arguments round so that their bad behaviour becomes yours.
• Often is the last to get a joke.
• Unable to demonstrate real pleasure.
• Will often blame partner for being ’needy’ or over-dramatic.

All these behaviours can be explained by the fact (proven by experiments tracking the brain) that an Aspergers brain has no Theory of Mind.  This is evidenced by the inability to show true compassion or empathy. All thoughts are filtered by the left brain (logical brain) rather than the right brain which allows for empathic reaction. The couple are thinking, speaking and listening in different languages.

It is hard enough  to have a successful couple relationship where both partners have a similar brain working - when you add to that equation an Aspergers brain the relationship can be hugely frustrating for both involved.

If you recognise traits as highlighted here you would benefit from talking it through with a qualified couples therapist like myself, who specialises in Aspergers Syndrome.

'Emotional reciprocity, love and belonging are essential human needs, if these needs are not being met and the reason why is not understood, then mental and physical health may be affected. This is why self-diagnosis or diagnosis by a professional can make so much difference and have a positive effect on both in the relationship, because there is the realisation that neither is to blame.' Maxine Aston

When to end a relationship

It never ceases to amaze me how adaptable we are as humans.  So much so that we can quickly become used to negative and harmful behaviour in our partner relationships.

The typical example cited is that of the battered wife who keeps going back to her man because he says sorry, and she loves him. 

In a more moderate (but no less harmful) way we become used to more insidious abuse, normalising the hurtful words or behaviour of a partner as we get used to his/her disempowering passive-aggressive ways. When there is no physical violence it would be easy to think that the relationship is not abusive.  But there are many types of abuse and sometimes it’s the quieter forms which create a deeper damage. It is abuse by stealth.

Adaptation allows us to endure the atrocities of war, the threat of death, the loss of home and country as with the countless refugees currently escaping to Europe; these unfortunate dispossessed people have had to adapt and will continue to adapt as a necessity for survival.

It would seem that adaptation is very much part of the human condition when it comes to survival. In the couple relationship, this adaptation creates a lowering of expectation, allowing us to get used to our partner’s damaging behaviour. Yet these are damaging behaviours which should not be tolerated and by doing so we condone them.  Any behaviours/words which gradually erode the core sense of self is harmful and dangerous to those on the receiving end.

So when do we draw the line? What needs to happen to signal the end of the relationship?

There is of course never one answer to this question.  When, in a rational mind, all hope has gone and the love is less important than the need to stop the damage - when the balance has tipped so far to the negative that there is no hope of changing the direction of the relationship - perhaps this signals the end? Or does it?

I have worked with couples where one partner was resolute in their decision to end their abusive relationship - despite sharing 2 young children, she couldn't go on, she reached her full-stop.  Yet somehow, during the course of working with me, something shifted and as a couple they fell back in love, the abusive behaviours stopped, and with a newly found understanding of each other they are now a loving connected couple with a joint vision for the future. 

So the answer is not predictable and we sometimes give up too soon.  It’s well worth seeking help to see if your relationship can be resurrected, like the mythical Phoenix from the ashes you may rise up together like a rebirthing of all that you once loved and admired in each other with the added benefit of a deeper understanding.

Hope rises like a phoenix from the ashes of shattered dreams - S.A Sachs